by Patrick St. John
In an announcement on Wednesday, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates said that Emmaus High School will be acquired as a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft. "It will be a mutually beneficial arrangement," Bill Gates said in a recent press conference. "We need to teach kids at an early stage that the Microsoft way is the only way, and that competition is evil." Also, there will be several modifications to the school's curriculum:
The name will change to The Microsoft High School.™ (or MSHS)
Phys. Ed. will be entirely taken off the list.
History will focus on the evolution of Microsoft, it's effect on human evolution and the destruction of the companies that were in its path.
No more football team.(some argue that this is a good thing)
Principal Gates will command The Microsoft High School™ from his home in Redmond, via sattelite.
Each student will be provided a free laptop(no free tech support, though)with Windows 98 beta, Office 97, and Encarta '94 preinstalled.
No more Macintoshes.("If nothing goes wrong with them, how can I make money off of them by tech support?")
The school's new slogan will be "What Do You Want To Learn Today?"(Strangely, though, there is no place to voice your answer to that question.)
"Hostile Corporate Takeover" drills will be monthly. The drills specify the student to stop what s/he is doing, hide under their desk, and reboot their computer in "Safe Mode."
MSNBC in every classroom.
Principal Gates says students should expect shorter classes, longer lunches, and discounts on Microsoft products. "Of course, this will be run like a company," Gates said. "So don't expect for students to have a say in things. Our employees don't, and look how good we're doing!"
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