by Patrick St. John
As of late, the devastating war between the East Wing gang and the West Wing gang in Our Fair School has done nothing but escalate. Countless innocent students are being caught in the continual crossfire of rubber bands, "steinies," pencils, and "yo momma" jokes.
One student unfortunately got in the line of fire of a particularly nasty yo momma joke. "It's crazy!" Ivan told the staff here. "I was just walking down the hall, minding my own business, when BAM! I get slapped with this horrible 'yo momma' joke, intended for a gang member who ducked behind me. I was crushed! I had to go to therapy for 3 months to get over the emotional scars from that."
I recently had the opportunity to talk with a member from both gangs. One West Side member, who we will refer to as Loser 1, clad in BOSS jeans, and a Tommy Hilfiger shirt, made this observation. "Yeah, those punk-ass niggas bettah stay offa mah turf, da west wing, aight? Or dey gonna see some whoop-ass goin down, yo." Our staff is currently trying to figure out exactly what the hell he just said. My interview with a member of the East Side was basically the same, only he was wearing a POLO shirt, and his comment contained many more explatives. He will be referred as Loser 2. While their hatred for each other is intense, neither of them remember exactly what started the fighting. "I think dat one of dem, like, sed sumtin' 'bout ma momma, or sumptin," Loser 1 tried to recall.
The fighting just doesn't hurt those people you don't give a sh!t about, like Ivan, but has the potential to hurt ANYONE who gets in the middle of a battle.
Some people suggested that the two gangs try peer mediation. Unfortunately, since none of them can write, they cannot fill out their names on a slip of paper.
Both Gangs are always looking for new members. To be eligible, you must be able to hit a kid at 50 paces with a no. 2 pencil, and have a GPA no higher than 2, among other requirements.
As of late, the main fighting is centered around the science wing. Many teachers fear that one of the gangs may get ahold of some hydrochloric acid, and use it against each other. Fortunately, the container is labeled "HCl," effectively indecipherable to any of the gang members.
A man on the street had this to say: "Yeah, but do they REALLY know what they are doing?"
No one important could be reached for comment.
In a related story, the average price of a kilo of swiss cheese in France rose $0.12 yesterday.
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